The business-section book title you'll never see

"Dominatrix, CEO"

See, I'm a control-freak, and I'm stuck with a couple of less-than-compatible (meaning with me) software developers on "my" project. One is a prima-donna cowboy code-slinger with a nasty passive-aggressive streak. He works remotely, too--somebody stop my feet from dancing. [sour look] The other is amiable enough, but soooo Not About that whole taking responsibility thing. Worse, he's still too green in our outfit to know what he's talking about sometimes. (Not that that stops him, mind you...)

The mature internalization of this whole situation would be to chalk my current frustrations up to karma payback for the similar aggravation I've caused my past supervisors.

Yeeeeah, like I'm gonna be mature: C'mon, this is office politics we're talking about. FSM forfend! This calls for the refined brutalities of the Cubicle Warrior-culture: Make me nag for status? Ha! Here's a conference call invitation on your calendar. And we're gonna enter your deliverables into Microsoft Project and set you up for the water-torture of reminder email! How's THAT gonna feel?!

But, seriously, I'm quite soberly reconsidering my resolve not to become a manager that I wouldn't want to work for. The fact that I am even reconsidering that disturbs me. Fortunately, my twisted sense of humor arrives to rescue me from undue soul-searching.

Understand that I detest office politics because they're basically high school all over again--except that in adult life the consequences are much further-reaching. But...what if I were to view things through an entirely different lens? Instead of seeing the feudal power-struggles as locker-door clique turf-wars, how about viewing the dynamics as dominance and submission, albeit without the rubber and leather trappings? You must admit that the view is far less dreary than warmed-over adolescence. Although it does carry the downside of the "Eeeeeeeewww!" factor--possibly even to the point of wanting to put out your inner eye with a white-hot poker and/or boil your brain in bleach. I take no responsibility for that, however: You change the lens at your own risk. Personally, I find the view through the high-school lens far more disturbing.

Which, after thinking about it for all of sixty seconds (if that), made me realize that the standards of business writing have indeed dropped so low that one could perhaps bang out a management book on that theme. "Leadership Secrets of the Marquis de Sade," anyone? (In which case, I totally call dibs on the idea!)

Now, if you'll excuse me, The Cowboy hasn't accepted his meeting invitation, so it's time to break out (and break in) the flogger... Metaphorically speaking. Unfortunately.